Ash: Hi! I'm Ash Ketchum! Welcome to the Sinnoh Region!
Me: Oh . . . right. Hey, Ash. Nice to meet you here in Pokemon World. Or whatever. I'm thrilled to be here.
(under my breath) Thank God there's still alcohol in this animated, parallel universe.
Ash: What did you say?!
Me: Nothing. Could you lower your voice, please? This isn't pep squad.
Ash: Right!! Are you a fellow Pokemon Trainer? What is your Pokemon?
Me: I have an Anxietor.
Ash: Anxietor! But I have never seen or heard of such a Pokemon!
Me: She's agoraphobic. She pretty much stays inside the Pokeball.
Ash: Let my Pikachu do battle with your Anxietor!
Me: Yeah . . . not a good idea.
Ash: But I insist!
Me: (sigh) All right. Anxietor, it's time to do battle. Come out, please. No, you don't look fat. I swear. Yes, I promise no one will laugh at you. That's right. Step outside.
Ash: What a peculiar pocket monster you possess! Let me emphasize my mirth with loud and frantic laughter! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Me: (to Anxietor). Ignore him. He sounds like a girl.
Ash: Let us begin! Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!
Me: Anxietor! Use Panic Attack!
Ash: How strange! Your Pokemon appears to have turned blue!
Me: Yeah, she does that when she hyperventilates. (slapping Anxietor) Breathe, dammit! Get ahold of yourself, bitch!
Ash: She's recovered! Pikachu, use Volt Tackle!
Me: Anxietor, use Meltdown!
Ash: Your Pokemon is defeated! I'm afraid this Meltdown Attack was completely ineffective!
Me: It always is, Ash. It always is. Come, Anxietor. Time for your Valium.