Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Middle Age: The Garage Band Version

A weekend or so back, Hubs and I ferried the ol' offspring to Hellertown, PA to visit the fabled Lost River Cavern -- the area's #1 attraction.

The #2 attraction in Hellertown? My money's on these guys:

We tailed the Midlife Crisis Band (MCB) on their way to some sort of church/charity/carnival/thingee that looked like a hoot and a holler. Still, as we drove, I couldn't help but think the band name was a little on the vague side. What kind of mid-life crisis are we talking about here? Viagara and a sportscar? Or your basic vaginoplasty?

If it was my band, I'd use the same name as one of the eighties/nineties bands I grew up with -- with a mid-life twist.

Remember Nine Inch Nails? I don't either, really, but here they are:

The mid-life version: Nine Inch Hemmorhoids.

Ahem. So how was your pregnancy experience?

In high school, because I was freakishly sensitive, I had a thing for Simple Minds.

Mid-life version: Dimpled Hinds.

Which of course refers to my childrens' darling derrieres and IN NO WAY describes my own curdled buttflesh.

The high school jocks liked to crank some Rush:

Mid-life version: Flush.

That's right. FLUSH. As in: Did you remember to flush? Or, alternatively: God &%#@! Who didn't flush? Also: I know you said you did, but I didn't hear the toilet flush.

It's a compelling topic of conversation in this family. If walls could only talk. Or flush the damn toilet.

Finally, this one's a little late-nineties, but we all know Aqua, the group that gave us that hideously annoying "Barbie Girl" song.

Mid-life version: Lycra.

Because every pair of jeans I own has it. As well as a "relaxed fit" in the hips and thighs.