Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Vision Boards, of Varying Success

Dear Aussie Skank:

I tried, I really did.

I thought about what I want. I listed what I want.  I even made a vision board of what I want.  For reals! Check it out:

So here I am, months later, and my book has been turned down by every thirty-ish editor with a English/Women's Studies B.A. from a Seven Sisters College.  In other words, all editors have rejected me. Moreover:
  • I want to increase my cup size to a generous 34D.  Instead, my husband left me for Shawna "Melons" Kapowski, lead dancer at the Titty Shack off the Schuykill Expressway.
  • I want a house by the water.  Instead, my basement flooded, leaving me with a house full of water.
  • I want Christian Bale, shirtless, pectorals primed and oiled circa Reign of Fire.  I want him to mysteriously arrive at my house and chop a cord of wood for me while I sip a cocktail.  Instead, this shows up on my doorstep and starts bitching about my clothes:

I think we can agree this is the wrong Christian.  Although I did appreciate the tips on finding a "slimming" pair of pants.

In light of the above, I have decided to think about nothing but your continued success and well-being.  Given my track record, it won't be long until you crash and burn in some horrific and (hopefully!) fattening manner.

Suck it, Sheila

Your disgruntled customer,
The Twaddler


Dear Secret-Lady:

Is very simple: Me want cookie.

No fame. No money.  No power.  No lady-monster to scratch my itch.  Just cookie.

See vision board?

Me think cookie.  Me talk cookie.  Me dream cookie.  Me is cookie!

Then what happen?

PBS tell me to cut back on cookie! Say it a "sometime food"! Now make me eat banana!

I get mad.  I complain.  Mrs. Obama phone me, tell me she has "secret file" on me.  White House threaten audit.  Mr. Noodle pull gun on me, make me hand over cookie.  He and Elmo dance on cookie while I cry.

Secret not work.  Please send refund, payable in cookie.

Sincerely yours,


Dear Oprah:

Hey! Thanks for airing that segment on vision boards.  I thought you'd like to share mine with your readers:

Pretty easy to see what my goals are, right? Meow!

Anyway, I'm happy to report I've actually had some success with this vision board. Since I created it, three stray tabbies have come my way, adding to the eight beautiful kitties now sharing my apartment with me. The more the merrier, I always say!

My only quibble is that, while I'll never turn down a puss-in-need, my dream is not to own cats.  My dream is to be a cat.  On that front, I still have a ways to go:

It's all right, though.  With this vision board, I'm confident those plastic surgery funds will fall into my hands (or should I say "paws"?) any day now!

Can't wait for those whisker implants!
Guy Who Really, Really Loves Cats


To the Great and All-Mighty Oprah:

This vision board shit works.  Seriously.  This is mine:

And take a look at me now!  That's right, Light: I'm talking to you. You didn't think little old Neutrino had the nards, did you, bitch? Hell, you didn't even think I existed! You were all, "I'm so effing hot, 'cuz I'm a wave and a particle", blah blah blah.

Well, you can just eat my atomic dust, pal.  That goes for you too, Gravity.  You're next.  I'm gonna eff you up.  And then I'm gonna eff up Corbin Bleu.

Oprah rocks!
The Neutrino a/k/a
DJ "Calamitous" Nu
Radioactive Badass